The Comfort of the Inner Child

A few months after my mom died, I discussed with my therapist a concerning feeling that I had within. I got the sense of a child within wailing uncontrollably. It seemed annoying. It was like an inconsolable infant. This inner wailing seemed to be coming from a little girl within me. It WAS me but at the age of about 4 or 5 years old. I didn’t know how to make her stop. The wailing continued and I had no idea how to tend to it. I began to feel like a neglectful parent as I allowed the wailing to continue and yet desperately wanted it to stop.  

 As he often does, my therapist guided me to “give it space”. I hated it when he directed me to turn towards the pain.

Begrudgingly, I turned towards the wailing. As I sat with it, I got an inner sense of the breathing that happens after a sob session. You know the one, when the inhale is almost stuttered. It happens when the crier is exhausted by the crying. As I sat on the edge of my own inner bed, I allowed little me to be comforted by my own presence.

 I understood her sadness and pain. She missed her mom. So did I. She didn’t want to be alone in the world without her mom, either did I. She was exhausted by her emotional pain and loss that had occurred, so was I. As I comforted her, she comforted me. 56-year-old me felt the presence of my inner child who has been with me since I was her age. She never really made an appearance until now. She kept quiet and hidden until now. Now she was hysterical. The thing she had feared her entire life had now become true. Her mom was no longer available to reach out to for comfort. Her mom could no longer offer reassurance or guidance when needed. She could no longer answer questions that only she would know. As I sat with her, I clung to her. She was the only one who understood me fully. Not even my siblings understood the way that she did/does. As I allowed myself to comfort her and allowedd her to comfort me, I felt an easement of the pain that had been growing since my mom’s death. The burden once carried by me was now shared and somewhat lighter.

 A couple of weeks later, I was going through old family slides that I had never seen before. There is a cool app called SlideScan that will easily convert slides into photos on your laptop. As I did this, I ran across a photo. It took me by surprise, and I gasped out loud when I saw it. It was her – my inner child – staring back at me. I knew in an instant that it was her. I find great comfort in her image. I feel like I am not alone in my grief pain. I know that she is being cared for by someone who knows her very well and will love her forever – just like our mom.

Karla Obernesser

July 26, 2022